Selling Yourself Short is Just a Bad, but Breakable, Habit.

Here's how to break it and what you can do instead.

To kick off New Ropes, I thought I’d start us off with some self-disclosure, personal experiences on how I got here, and lessons learned. For our first topic: Selling yourself short (and how I stopped).

I’m embarrassed to admit how many times someone has had to tell me my work is valuable before I believed it. It’s been a long journey, but ultimately, I’ve learned that selling myself short, at its root, was a bad habit, and one I was holding onto tightly.

It might look like this - someone recognizes your effort, but you were probably raised to be ‘humble,’ so along the way you learned to dismiss people’s compliments, muttering about how it was really nothing and offering up someone else to receive the compliment instead. This bashful inclination turns into a bad habit, deploying automatically, and training and wiring our brain to combat recognition.

For several years now I’ve been retraining and reprogramming my brain to stop selling myself short. I had to find my ‘why’ for stopping and replace the old habit with a new one.

My ‘Why’: I realized that when I dismiss people’s compliments, I’m really dismissing them and signaling that I don’t value their opinion. If they found value in what I was doing, who am I to tell them they’re wrong and take that away from them?

Selling yourself short isn’t just offensive, it directly impacts your success. Negatively.

I didn’t break (or greatly damage) this habit over night. Rather, it was broken by the culmination of lessons I learned over the years that drove me to change the way I viewed myself and others. I was challenged in my thinking and learned I was the one sabotaging myself. So here are some stories on how I was challenged and how I got here.

Story 1: I was in grad school applying for jobs upon graduation when a “Big-4” consulting firm reached out to me regarding my application. I was shocked they were calling me already, and at 7am to be specific. I was still trying to wake up when they asked me what I expected for my salary. I threw out a number which turned out to be grossly low for the position and industry.

Later that day, I called a friend of mine who worked for that same company to tell him the news. I couldn’t accept the job because they wanted me to start immediately and I still had 3 terms of school to finish, but I was still excited about the prospect and call-back. I told my friend what I had told the firm regarding desired salary range, and he proceeded to yell at me over the phone.

“THIS IS WHY THERE’S A PAY GAP. I’M SO MAD, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY TOLD THEM THAT. YOU CAN GET PAID SO MUCH MORE.”

He hung up, so worked up about the scenario that he didn’t want to talk anymore. His final remarks were telling me to never do that again and to think higher of myself. Okay cool thanks.

In that moment, I wished someone had told me ahead of time what to ask for. I was merely the victim of a 7am phone call gone wrong, give me a break. I mean, should I have done my due diligence to research average salaries for that role? Yes, obviously, but they shouldn’t have called me back so soon or something…

You see, the real problem here was that I was waiting for other people to make the call for me on what I was worth. By this point, I’d been shafted by several different jobs, interviews, and organizations and thought any foot in the door I could get would be good enough and representative of my value add.

Those phone calls shook me out of my haze, and I’m thankful my friend gave it to me straight. I knew his anger wasn’t really directed at me, he was upset for his friend who couldn’t see their own value. Awwww.

Story 2: I coach a high school girls lacrosse team, and last season (spring sport, btw) was my first year as the head coach, 5th year with the team though. We had a fairly good season, and I was proud of what we accomplished, especially with a limited coaching staff (me and one other coach for 36 girls).

At the end of the season, I had a meeting with the athletic director. We were discussing the season and I was saying how I learned a lot my first year as head coach and we did well as a team, considering I didn’t come into the role with much to offer. He stopped me there and told me to stop selling myself short. I’m a good coach, I came in with a lot to offer, and now I’ve learned even more. I need to stop thinking I’m not cut out for this. First season was a success because of what I brought to the table.

I almost cried hearing this. I was embarrassed I was talking about myself in that way and had to hear, yet again, from another man I respected, that I was selling myself short. He was right, I did have lots to offer, and I think about that conversation often. I can’t sell myself short, especially before people see what I’m capable of. And selling myself short after I do something successfully? Oh gosh, I would never let anyone else talk about themselves and their success in that way, so why do I?

Story 3: In my most recent job, one of my responsibilities was to help people navigate finding a new job and making career switches. I was immersed in the world of workforce development, job hunting, and everything in between, but I genuinely thought what I knew was common knowledge.

Of course you have to follow up with the employer after applying to the job.

The Portland job market is the worst performing metro region in the nation right now for job growth, it’s going to be extra competitive out there.

You could pivot your skills to apply in this other industry that has been creating new jobs.

I was being paid to know and share this information, but I still thought what I had to offer to people was old news. It took until about my 10th client twice my age for me to start acting like the expert and owning the role. It dawned on me that this specific industry knowledge wasn’t common, and that if someone ended up in the seat in front of me, it was because they were seeking insight and help and wanted to hear what I had to say. (Hello, reader in the seat in front of me ;)

Also, turns out, this stuff isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and not everyone doomscrolls Indeed.com everyday just to see what’s going on… can’t relate.

I was projecting, thinking people older than me wouldn’t want to hear what I had to say, and my projection became my reality. Because I didn’t think people would listen to me, I wouldn’t give them much to listen to, therefore, they couldn’t listen to me, and I just made my own fears manifest themselves. Funny how that happens, right?

And here’s the thing - no one I talked to had that attitude with me. I was putting people into these boxes based on whether I thought they would think I was credible or not and I ended up putting myself into the wrong box too.

Luckily, I learned this early on in the role and began to change how I viewed and valued myself. I didn’t want to have anyone else need to tell me what I was worth in order for me to get my act together. Okay, okay, I’m a big deal, no biggie, I get it.

As it turned out, I was able to help a lot of people once I got rid of the boxes.

And now?

I share these stories because, true to my nature, I learned these things the hard way and want you to learn through my mistakes and save you a few phone calls if I can.

I don’t want to pass up any more opportunities to help someone on their journey because I put them in a box I made up. Don’t worry, I’m not putting you in a box, especially if you’ve read this far.

Helping people grow into their careers and find their value brings me so much joy, so I’m not selling myself short anymore, and neither should you.

Replacing the Bad Habit:

Learning to stop selling yourself short can be uncomfortable and will take time, but there are tricks you can implement to begin replacing that bad habit.

The first trick? Lead with asking the right questions.

My favorite way to demonstrate knowledge or skill (aka sell yourself) is to ask the right questions. I shared this with my clients insistently, and it’s truly a game changer. Unfortunately, I would say there are wrong questions to ask as well, but we’ll save that for another conversation.

Let’s take an interview for example. If you have an interview coming up with a company, do your research. In your researching, you should consider looking into what they’re doing in the media or where the industry is headed as a whole. Demonstrate you can see how everything fits together.

Now let’s say you’re interviewing at a grocery store. You know that some other big name grocery stores are trying to complete a merger, so you may ask them how they think that merger going through would impact their particular store. Are they anticipating the reduction in competing grocery stores to drive more customers to them, or might it create more competition with pricing in that area? (and yes, I’m a bit upset the Kroger-Safeway merger didn’t go through)

By asking a question like this, you’re demonstrating you know the industry, you can look at the whole picture, and you care about the future, all without blatantly stating, “I’m smart, look at what I know. Hire me.”

In the context of my last job, I would lead by asking people more questions about their current scenario. I didn’t want to assume I know more than them about the job market, so I was going to figure out what they knew.

Have you tried following up after you interview?

Is your resume achievements-based?

Do you have any connections in that industry you could reach out to?

Asking good questions is like dipping your foot into the habit of selling yourself to people. You’re not waiving what you know in their face, you’re simply demonstrating you know what to ask and like to take into consideration what the other person already knows. It’s conversational, and yet at the end, they’re going to walk away with the assumption you know exactly what you’re doing. They’re sold on you. Good job.

I’m grateful I’ve had people in my life to build me up, grab me by the shoulders, and yell at me STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT. Don’t follow in my footsteps and wait for other people to decide for you that you have something to offer.

So now I’m going to yell at you: STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT. You have something to offer. If you’re not sure how to approach the world with a new, confident you, start by asking the right questions and see where things go. Let me know how it goes.