Communicating clearly could be your career advantage.
Tools to help you master communication and turn your intentions into messages that compel and connect.
There’s a quote I like from former US President William Howard Taft that says, “Don’t speak in a way to be understood, speak in a way where you can’t be misunderstood.”
In a society of extensive boundary setting and speaking your truth, there comes a time when you need to rise above the assumption that everyone should try to understand you. You are responsible for how people receive the things you say. It may be counter to modern day narratives around communication, at least socially, but in the professional realm you need to communicate in a way to be understood by others.
People use the term “misunderstood” as a reason to separate and distance themselves further from people. It’s like the trademark of artists and romanticists. Very punk-rock.
Your boss will not see it as romantic. They’ll see this as an excuse, because good communication is learned, not innate. You can get better at it!
Being misunderstood is not something to brag about. It demonstrates you are misunderstanding everyone else.
I used to believe people would see the intentions behind my words and actions. I would think to myself, “I’m smart, kind, and have good intentions, and other people think I’m smart and kind and have good intentions, so everyone will always see the best in me and understand me.”
False. My hypothesis was false.
I’ll tell you now incase no one else has - people aren’t going to assume you’re smart, kind, and have good intentions. They’ll seldom think this. People aren’t playing your actions over and over in their mind and applying a root-cause analysis to determine what your intentions were. They’re on defense. They’re looking for the holes in your argument. They’re questioning your intentions.
Can you blame them? They don’t have time to sort you out for you. We’re all going through life in a way that preserves the self, and trusting that other people have our best intentions in mind can lead to a world of hurt and deception. People can find any reason to make themselves the victim on the receiving end of communication.
I’m not saying it’s fair. I’ve had my words spun and turned against me many times (not everyone appreciates west coast dry humor I’ve learned). Through the grapevine you hear back what people think you said - “I said what?!” - the good ol’ game of telephone.
Ultimately, to the person on the other end, whatever it is they think you were saying is their truth. They could be completely wrong in their interpretation of what you said, but if you don’t meet them where they’re at and work on your communication and delivery, then you’ll both feel right while seeing the other as wrong. Pick your hill to let your career die on, because being “right” and misunderstood can be lonely and detrimental.
We can either stay the course and continue to frustrate over our misunderstood intentions or we can adjust, listen, meet people where they’re at, and learn to communicate more effectively.
You can’t force people to understand you, I’m not suggesting you become a master manipulator. End of the day, people will think what they think and you have no choice but to accept that and let them (thank you, Mel Robbins).
But, if given the tools, wouldn’t you rather be compelling than misunderstood?
Learning how to communicate, professionally and socially, has been a long journey for me. It is for everyone. We all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and communication styles. What’s important is that you begin this journey sooner than later, because it is up to you to take that first step to understand others before assuming others will take that first step to understand you.
I would rather be compelling, effective, and understood. Your boss, colleagues, clients, parents, and myself would also rather you be compelling, effective, and understood, because good communication is a win for everyone.
Welcome to Comm 101: New Ropes edition.
Here are the tools you’ll need to become an effective and compelling communicator:
B.L.U.F.
Audience is everything.
Less is more.
Outcomes > Intentions
Class is in session.
1. B.L.U.F.
Bottom Line Up Front.
This one I learned from my consulting days and it’s my favorite tool. We used it when creating presentations for clients mainly, but now I apply it to every area of my life.
People want to know what they’re getting into before they get into it. It’s different than a “hook” which is used in some communication styles, but here’s why I prefer B.L.U.F. When the first thing you communicate is the goal or required action, you’re creating buy-in and transparency. Then, after earning that buy-in, you back into that bottom line with your supporting points.
Have you ever tried to do a puzzle without looking at the picture on the box? It’s like putting the setting on extra hard.
Giving people the bottom line up front is like letting them look at the picture on the puzzle box. Rather than making them put together the puzzle as you speak and try to decipher where things are going, they know the end result. Now, they just need the pieces. You start with the picture, separate the edge pieces, sort by color, etc…
When you give people the bottom line first, you give them the power to choose whether they want to hear what you have to say.
Maybe they don’t want to do that puzzle, and that’s okay. At least now they won’t feel deceived or strung along and you won’t have to waste your breath. They’ll know what you’re about. If they don’t like what you’re about, you’ve opened up the door for them to walk out and pick a new puzzle, no hard feelings.
Example - When I’m coaching lacrosse, I try to explain the reason and intended outcome for a drill before I describe how we’re going to do it. Especially with youth, they need to understand things before they buy in to it. They’re going to ask why so you might as well lead with that.
“During our game, we kept bringing our defender to the ball, so we’re going to do a drill that helps us with spacing so we can avoid the double team. In this drill, we will…” will be a more effective than “I need 2 lines, with 4 girls out on the cones. Let’s add 4 defenders per cone… no no you’re still too close together...”
No one likes being kept in the dark. Turn the lights on. Show them the picture on the box. Bottom line up front.
2. Audience is everything.
Communicating is not about you, it is about the audience. This is one of the first things they’ll teach you in any college course on public speaking, but I feel that this tool does not get applied in our daily speaking as much as it should.
Nuance is embedded in everything, and this is critical to understand in any scenario. You won’t know the entire background of everyone you talk with, but you can try to understand them and where they’re coming from and speak to that.
I’m going to communicate differently with high school girls than how I communicate with my boss or colleagues. I’m also going to communicate a bit differently on the internet than how I do in person.
You need to know what drives the audience you’re speaking to.
If I’m trying to convince my boss to give me more responsibility, maybe via a promotion (because I want to be paid more), I’m not going to lead with the point that I want more money and deserve it. I’m going to lead with how I’ve been managing my tasks well and now have capacity to take responsibilities and tasks off of their plate.
Focus on what’s in it for them. If you want them to understand you, then you have to understand them first.
Know your audience, recognize where they’re at, and meet them there.
3. Less is more.
People don’t want to read your lengthy email or sit through your speech. Keep things clear and concise.
This has been the hardest tool for me to apply because I’ve always thought that the more I explain the better I’ll be understood. In reality, the more you say, the less credible you’ll seem. The more you say, the more room you’ll leave for misinterpretation.
The less you say, the more confidence you give to the words you choose.
There’s a game I like to play to practice being more concise. I call it “How concise can I get.” Great name, I know. We’ll use Finding Nemo as the example:
If I were to describe the movie Finding Nemo in four sentences, I might say…
“In Finding Nemo, the main fish Nemo gets separated from his dad and taken to Sydney, Australia. His dad then sets out on a journey to find him. He faces many dangers, makes new friends, and finds his way to Sydney. The dad, his friends, and Nemo’s new friends help free Nemo and he finally gets reunited with his dad.”
If I were to describe Finding Nemo in one sentence, I would say…
“Finding Nemo is about a fish who gets separated from his father and the adventures the father goes on to find his son.”
This tool can be applied to elevator pitches, emails, conversations with strangers at dinner parties, you name it. Try it out. See how much you can convey with as few words as possible.
4. Outcomes > Intentions
Intentions are important, but outcomes are what people will remember. It’s good to try and understand people’s intentions behind their actions, but you cannot and should not assume people will try to understand yours.
Effective communication is thinking several steps down the road on the impact of your words. Criticizing someone and framing it as “just trying to help” is something we’ve all done or been the victim of. You may have been trying to help, but is what you said actually helpful? You probably just hurt that persons self-esteem and now they’ll avoid you. The intention was to “help” the person, but the outcome was now they think you’re a jerk. Depending on what you said, you probably were a jerk.
As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
People don’t feel intentions. They feel outcomes.
When addressing problems, it’s critical to ask yourself what the potential outcomes might be of your words and actions. If you have a problem with someone, I can promise you that being passive-aggressive won’t help. Passive-aggression truly has no place in the workplace. You may hope that someone will take the cue from your snarky remark, but is that really the most direct route to resolving the issue?
We all intend to resolve problems, but if we’re not careful in considering the outcomes of our approach, we could easily make things worse.
Learning to be an effective communicator is a life-long endeavor, so start now. The sooner you master the skill of communication, the faster you’ll advance in your career.
I hope you find these tools helpful in becoming a compelling communicator in your personal and professional life. If you have more tools that have helped you along the way, please drop them in the comments!
Class dismissed.
I’m going to read this again. Packed with so many good tools. Sometimes when I’m misunderstood, it helps me to realize it’s less about what I said and more about how it’s being filtered through someone else’s perspective.